I woke up after 8 hours of tossing and turning and I feel shitty. Sleeping in the living room under a bunch of blanket is a sad excuse for a futon. I don’t quite remember how I imagined post graduation life would be like. I knew I am going to make it. No doubts about that. But perhaps, I missed a few details on along the way.
We can’t never really quite predict where we will end up. I have never been the kind of kid with the pigeon holed or socially acceptable dream. I never thought I’d be a doctor or a lawyer or a singer (well maybe I did want to be a K-Pop star once upon a time ). I just knew that I wanted something better for myself, I didn’t want settle for mediocrity. When I’m asked how I would imagine myself in five years or ten years, I would shrug my shoulders. I can guess what the acceptable answers would be but for the life of me cannot seem to envision myself in anything normal. I have dreams. I have goals. But what people misunderstand about goals and dreams is that they are goals and dreams and not a path.
The funny thing is that once you leave and graduate from college you start to realize how little you actually know. Yes, I do know the difference between compatibles and determinism (Maybe). But I am constantly surprised about how little I know about living life. It’s not eve living life in the more reflective sense where words like happiness and meaning comes immediately to mind; questions where the answers seem to be always elusive. Rather, the most simple basic practical aspects of living. What’s my credit rating? How much does a foot of exterior painting cost? What do you need to do to sell a house? How do you deal with a leaking basement? How do you pick an interior designer? Where do you find goddamn lamb shanks? I knew none of the answers to these questions.
I know even less about making money although that’s not completely true. I never had to worry about money. I grew up without the need to worry about subsistence. My parents did more than enough to be good providers. But I am at a point in my life where relying on my parents is simply not sustainable. Sure, I can get by for a year or two. But what then? Maybe I’m too prideful. Maybe I feel too entitled to work some kind of part time job, assuming that I can get one in the first place. More than anything, it just feels like a waste of time. A temporary band-aid solution that would leave me at the same crossroads. And for every ounce of good advice and encouragement on living a mobile life based on a passive ecommerce income, there are three times of that in discouragements. I should just keep my blinders on.
It feels like limbo right now because I feel like I am getting no where. I am stuck in a places constrained by responsibility that are not mine. It is very hard to focus on personal development when all of your energy are spent on worrying about the color of the new doors and windows.
Maybe that’s why I am more and more obsessed with fitness. I am finding small pockets of time for self improvement. Because that is what makes my life seem like it has a forward momentum.
This is a trying period of my life and for anyone my age. All of my dreams, hopes and relationship are being tests. I feel myself letting most of them go and getting more and more comfortable staying still. People are adaptable creatures. I just hope that limbo doesn’t become my niche. I have no doubt that we will all make it out. But I’d rather make it out a better man.